this post is going to be hard to type out. i shall type my feelings truthfully, and anyone who is reading it please don't get affected in any way.

wushu comps.

i shall talk about the individual category first. i regretted, i felt that i didn't do my best, and that i didn't perform up to standard. i really wanted something, but deep down inside me, actually it's almost impossible to get a medal when there is 21 people out there competing for four places and when i only have barely a year of wushu experience. what chance did i have?

like what wanqing said, 'seriously what do you expect to get?' this really sentence really got me thinking. were my expectations too high? and i wouldn't say that i actually trained that hard. i could have trained even harder, but i must admit i did slack sometimes during training. and now i really regret that. why couldn't i have trained harder, focused more, since sec one, the focusing only started late last year, and i believe that it took too long.

although i know it's almost impossible, but i still want to believe in the 'possibles', and i don't know why. i guess it's just my character?

moving on to the group category.

i know that sec twos have done their best. before the comps i pledged to do my best no matter what, i didn't want the same feeling of regret again. i guess i did my best, but could have done better.

after comps the seniors were telling us that we did better than our usual training. but seriously, i don't think we were that focused during usual trainings-we either slacked frequently, or some people were missing, sometimes even half of us were missing. and i didn't feel prepared the day before comps, there were still so small minute movements to be editted, and it really freaked me out.

i think i didn't believe in our batch that much, probably leading to our failure. i was worried that we would forget our stuffs, and i was fearful of any one of our members pulling us down. i guess i have to have more faith in others in the future.

and before the comps, minutes before it, two major 'tragedy' struck. first was the number tag. we found out that we forgot to bring it on the way to chung cheng, and there was only an hour to our comps. and thankfully xue jiaolian came to the rescue. second was yeewin's biaoyanfu. she couldn't find it, like half an hour before our comps. and in the end we had to 'kick' her out of our group.

qianyi and wanqing were suggesting to 'kick' the 'not so stable' member and let yeewin go for the comps (to keep the best so that there will be a higher chance of winning), since yeewin is one of the 'not bad' people. but obviously it would be mean to say out that person's name. so the problem was only solved like ten minutes before our comps, so yeewin did not participate in the comps. and guess what? turned out that the biaoyanfu was stuck in a gap between the bus seat and the wall.

i am happy that our batch could 随机应变 quite well. i think we did relatively well despite the fact that there was one missing member. however i hope that our batch will slack less for the coming trainings in the future. our division didn't do very well, and that's sad. and i have to buck up too. like a lot.

so conclusion, wushu comps was a very good experience, i've learnt a lot from it. it's like one of those stepping stones in my life. i was and maybe stil am sad, dissapointed and sometimes angry at myself (i really don't know why). i've also found out that crying really hard can really make your contacts come out (that happened to me yesterday) thinking about this comps, somehow it makes me really sad and pained deep inside. i really don't know why i should be feeling like that, since i'm such a newcomer to the wushu world. i guess lots of you out there may think that i'm feeling to 'over' but i seriously don't know why i just feel so sad.

the numbers 644 and 29 (my number tags) shall remind me of this wushu comps. at least i've something in memory of it! :D

although this is a love song (i think), but it really matches my feeling after my comps when i'm sad and reflecting. the melody just kind of connects into me when i listen to it.

lucky by ashily-boys over flowers ost


and now looking at the translations for the first time, it's really weird that i feel the connection when the true meaning of the song is something else! x)

and i shall end of with: why 0.04? that was the difference in marks between our place and the fourth place. just that mere 0.04 and we could have gotten something. just 0.04!