knowing what reality is,
feeling threatened, insecure,
wanting to turn back time,
but knowing that it's impossible.

SATURDAY

mum told me the date of it. 19 august. wow, my big day. it's only slightly more than one month left, and i'm still not exactly that stable and consistent in the pieces. i still make the same few mistakes sometimes. it gets really frustrating, you know. how you really badly want to get a distinction, but knowing yourself, that in fact your ability does not even deserve one. it's demoralising. but i'll will never give up on it, no matter what happens in the future. it's my passion, love, and life. although there's something else i so badly want, but i know it's impossible to.

played tennis for an hour, cause it rained later. so swam ten laps with my mum cause she wanted to do a quick swim. it's been more than a year since i last swam. the feeling feels weird. and in the first lap i already felt breathless very fast. shows how bad my stamina is. sometimes i really do want to give up. but looking at people around me, those silent, invisible competitions. the competitive side of me just refuse to admit defeat, although it's obvious that i'll never gain the winning hand.

SUNDAY

mum went to work, so dad brought me to eat buffet lunch and tea. not bad i would say. ^^ i think in buffet, i get really guilty, not caring how much i eat, even when recalling what my freaking heavy weight is, i still get easily tempted by those delicious looking food. gosh.

MONDAY

i was really contemplating if i should quit french. my mondays would be much freer. and since the lessons are so boring. and my results and deteriorating. even though it's not counted in msg and percentage if it's bad, i still prefer not to have a bad grade on my report book. but my mindset change once i knew my french results. i guess presevering for a few more years won't kill, plus it may come useful when i'm older. so i'll try my best to survive french.

TODAY

pe was running four rounds. even from pe, you could see how competitive 202 is. but it's a silent invisible competition. those where you don't notice unless you observe carefully. gosh even have to compete in running. let alone academics.

didn't run after school cause yueling shumin and i didn't feel like it. so went kap and talk again. i really do enjoy these talks. since i'm not that kind of person who knows a lot of social issues. i honestly hate it when people say that i'm pro/good or anything like that. cause in fact i'm not. and i shall list why:

1) my wushu is lousy - i've never won any medals before
2) my piano ain't good either - such a low grade, plus listening to me playing, you'll know that i'm not good actually.
3) my flexibilty and stamina aren't good - i can't jog continuously in 2.4km, and my 2.4km and sit and reach both got B. yes, results tells it all.
4) my languages are definitely not good - both are never consistent, and i can't speak both languages well at all. ask me to read some passages and you'll know why. and read my blog for poor english and you'll get what i mean.
5) my french is poor - deteriorated drastically as compared to sec one french results.
6) my humanities are not good - they are the same as languages, very inconsistent and never stable. just one wrong turn and there goes the grade.
7) my math and science are poor too - i can get stuck easily by the most basic and simple math questions in tier one, when people usually get stuck in tier three or challenge yourself. for science, i take a lot of time to understand simple scientific reasonings.

so conclusion: I SUCK AT EVERYTHING. YES I DO.

tag replies:

regine: the more you poke me to more i won't want to help you!! D:
yingying: yah i go orchard one. they shift to another place already, not very complicated. i like my teacher ^^ yah sorry but try not to spam ><
shumin: yah freaking salt-soaked fries D:
Shichun: yahh that ministry of chicken gosh. and i absolutely adore our drama blog url!! ^^
yueling: YAHHH haha. she's damn amusing.
yingying: err i believe dom has better reasons not to reply you.
wee lin: you run a lot more!!
Jiaying: HAHAAHAH gosh her pronunciation!!
esther(:: yahh but those are painkillers.. cause he had some injury but still have to continue rehearsing.. haha wanqing is freaking amusing. and yah paris jackson is cute! ^^ but sadly i don't think she's MJ's real daughter. O:
kailin: HI! :D
moony!: i told you the reason already haha. and yay training resumes next week ^^
esther(:: LOLLL
ping ghee: OOH REALLY! haha. do you know why i behave weirdly to you on monday? really sorry about it.. will explain to you if you wanna know. but i guess wq told you already? haha. i was damn amused by the fire alarm. haha. my friend's reaction is damn funny!
esther(:: HAHAHAH LOL!! yah it's kinda irritating after a while...