i know many will dislike me for posting this, but i really have to else i'll feel very suffocated.

it's honestly scary to see how much people around you have changed (usually for the better). and it's even more scary to see how me myself have changed for the worst. i hate it when people do extremelly well suddenly, or when i'm doing extremely badly all of a sudden too. i hate feeling intimidated, afraid, threatened, and the fear of what will happen in the future. i hate knowing that i'm not improving at all, when others are progressing as such frightening speed. i hate it when people try to console and convince me that i can do it, when in reality there's a slim chance i can succeed.

most importantly, i'm starting to hate myself more everyday.

i hate myself for having weird 'mindwings', feeling relaxed at the wrong place and wrong time, when i should be feeling more.. agitated.

i hate myself for being a 急性子, to the extend of not reading instructions especially during crucial examinations, losing those precious few marks that means a lot to me.

i hate myself for not acting earlier, and pushing everything to the back when nothing can be done to change the situation that's unfolding before my very eyes.

i hate myself for not being focused at the right time, and losing concentration again and again.

(hi, jiaying was here)

i hate myself for not realising all these earlier.

'no boundaries'.. is that really true? sometimes i really feel that i've reached my limit already, while others seem to have boundary-less limits.

i hate it when my competitive nature steps in, long after everyone has already started to be competitive. i just can't stand it when reality sets in before i know when it does.

is it just too late?