After reading someone's blog entry I feel like some fcking failure now.

Like I've never achieved ANYTHING in 2010. N O T H I N G. And come to think about it probably nothing since 0 to 15 years old.

And the thing is I don't do anything about it. Like I'll go on secretly comparing myself to others and feeling darn zibei and how lousy and inefficient and crappy and stupid and unworthy I am. And how when I'm so free my studies is still LIKE THAT and when people are piled with work and more work they still do so well.

It's like to a point that no matter how hard I push myself I don't see much results coming out. They say as long as you put in all your effort, passion, energy into something you do, you'll achieve what you always want one day. It's cliche. And hearing one whole dialogue session about champions and how hardwork pays off and such, and I look at myself. It's like yea right hardwork will pay off for me. It's as if I'm just not born with that extra spark that others have, this extra spark that make them really really good at something.

I'm not really really good in anything at all. My academics is like bleh considering the amount of free time I actually have. CCA is bleh too, I guess I'm just not suited to be really good in a CCA in my life. Piano, love it but it seems like something is lacking from it.

Shit luh what's with this pessimistic view of life suddenly. I can't stand it how I'll suddenly be triggered into feeling like some failure at times and in the end I won't do anything to change that. Cause I don't know what to do. I feel like I've done my best but yet I don't think that's my limit at all. And why can't I reach my limit? I've no idea, laziness perhaps?

I see people with goals and plans of what they wanna achieve for the year, for their life. And I'm like, what in the world do I want in sec 4. Let alone about my lifetime. I think I'm just wasting my life away.

And I don't think I'm being coherent or logical in this entry either.

Fck I should just start being some crazy mugger and not switch on my computer at all and spend all night memorising textbook and notes. Or start waking up at 3am and training like mad. Or start practicing piano 8 hours a day.

Aish in the end after writing this post I'll still be the usual Hilary, going to school, completing assignments when necessary, going for trainings, french lessons, etc etc.

What's the use of feeling all emotional and pissed with myself all of a sudden and going into a reflective mood and writing this entry when nothing changes.

I suck. Big time.